Vast Ingenuity :a collection of thoughts

after jurassic years..

Sunday, September 21, 2008

..im really not back to blogging..yet.

but.. i had time to browse the net here at school.

i visited some sites and wanted to blog. :)

pre-finals is over ..the finals is yet to come, then sembreak..

sembreak, i have to decide if i'm going to pursue this course i'm taking, the course which was pushed for me to take.. or if i'm going to shift to the course i really wanted. i mean.. REALLY WANTED. my papa gave me the go signal, that which, is the only thing i've been waiting for ALL MY LIFE, and you know what? I find myself LOVING the course I am in right now.. though I'm still afraid of graduating and NOT finding a job, everyone knows na MASIKIP na ang mundo for nurses..or rather, masikip ang Pinas for nurses, but job opportunities around the globe are restless. Discouragement are heard over the news, over everywhere. Mga kamag-anak ko na lang ata (which are nurses, doctors and midwives by the way) yung hindi nawawalan ng pag-asa.

Then again. I still have time to decide. A month?

Hmm.. today is 21, 4 days before my birthday. Yeah, I'm turning 17. Sweet 16 is over. It will not be long before I'm already 18.

Mama told me to do this and that for my birthday, blahblahblah, a waste fo money, a waste of my precious time. I told her i don't want those craps, I want that day to myself. After all, it is my birthday right? I don't want the usual hang-outs, I don't want the usual drinking sessions.

I want that day to be the same as any ordinary day.

Oh I DON'T KNOW.

Well, some things happened, I was at my friend's debut last last week, and yeah. my ex was there.. and yeah we got together..idiot as it sounds to me though, we got together as if it were the OLD TIMES. Maybe it was the power of alcohol that made me lose all self-control and not to mention my PRIDE.

Nakakaloka ng Bonggang Bongga.

It made me think (yet AGAIN, for a gazillion times) who I was for HIM. Again. Whatever. I never lost that thought since we broke up. The only person I could talk to when it comes to past relationships are my parents , my lola or my bestfriend. The only person available was my lola, she was thrilled coz she though the "US" were back on, but then i told her that i didn't want to rush things.

Enough of these shenanigans. Enough about my love life.

What keeps me busy?
The Documentary for the Local Economic Development on rural parts of the country.
Being an organizer on our college's English week.
Also I'm the representative at our school's Acoustic Jam contest.
Joining the Shool of Nursing singing contest, [wasak!]
..and all other things I have in mind..which are, overflowing.

Well for those who bothers reading my blog, Check out this site Greenpinoy. I like the humor.
Makulet. Truly Pinoy.

Well, back to reading.

I almost forgot, I recommend you to read "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. Very inspiring. :D

byebye.
:D

Labels: one day at a time

hiatus na tunay.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

grrr.

i hate our internet provider.

no posts muna ko.

nagkatotoo ung hiatus na yan ni niko , bbye blogospheeeeere!

ill be back as soon as i can..

anyway, a lot has been happening.

something my mind can no longer take.

T_T

ngaun pa nawala ang blogger.

faaaaak!

Labels: one day at a time

the action and the reaction..

Thursday, September 4, 2008

September 3, 2008
(will never forget)

And I thought it was just going to be another boring day for me..
I was absorbed in front of the computer screen when someone buzzed me in my YM, there,
si ever-beloved-friendship-slash-kuya-slash-katropa DAR :), he was about to go to ATC daw to watch Boys like Girls

..mall tour, i really wanted to come with him, but problem is..i have no cash,my allowance wasn't given to me yet..so i told him I can't come...then miraculously, as if God heard my prayers, i got a message from my papa and told me that my allowance was given to my lola na.. Okay, perfect, it was just plain PERFECT! ..so we went to the mall tour, blah blah blah, walked around ATC. I saw KFC and i thought "san kaya kame kakain?", then he looked at me and told me "tara! KFC tayo.." haha. He can read my mind or maybe we were very much alike on a lot of things.. Then, on our way to KFC, I saw someone, someone that was familiar, VERY EFFIN' FAMILIAR, I was shocked, I WANTED to make sure if that was he-who-must-not-be-named, so I called him, "Potpot? Aldrin?!", yeah and he looked my way, he smiled, a very fixed smile..it looked more like grimace to me, and yeah..so it was really him. He's the reason of my bestfriend's bewildered day.

back to my story, haha! So we went to KFC, he gave me money to buy food for the both of us and I ordered the food, cause I asked him to find us somewhere we could sit. We talked talked and yeah, talked. Then this conversation suddenly came up, something about "Immature Babies", yeah, you heard that right, "Immature Babies", I looked at the guy quizzically as he goes on with his story, I interrupted him and said "Hindi ba PREMATURE babies yun?".. My tummy was aching from suppressed laughter. HAHA. So after eating we roamed around again, I told him that we should go to the center of the mall, you know, that part of the said place with fountains in em'. So we sat and blabbered like there's no tomorrow, we talked about almost everything, this was our first time to go out with just the two of us. We normally go out with our circle of friends. It was fun. That night he became my kuya, my closest guy friend. :) It was 9pm and we suggested to call it a night, we went to the parking lot, he insists we go this and that way, while I told him we go here and not there, but he was too hard headed to listen to me, so we we're out, we roamed, searched..and still, we can't find his ride. 40minutes kameng naglakad, I told him a lot of times that we should go back inside cause we we're on the OTHER side of the mall, but hell no, ayaw papigil ng unggoy na to. Finally, he gave up, I lead the way, and yes after 5minutes, we found it. Grr! haha.

So it was fun, I couldn't tell the exact details of EVERYTHING. It might bore you, haha, but it was fun.

..so here goes the opposite reaction.
September 4 2008

I went to school and had my normal line of classes, dismissal time comes and I go straight to the funeral of my friend's dad, he was the guy I mentioned in my earlier post (look down there oh! haha). So there, *thoughts stopped flowing*...
(40minutes after)

..back from oblivion, yes, where was I? oh yeah, We talked, he introduced me to his mama, his siblings, to everyone.. One of his cousins asked, "Sino yan insan?", I didn't hear his answer, or maybe I just pretended to be deaf for 5minutes. He picked his youngest sibling and kissed the kid. I saw that he was a very passionate brother, I keenly observed him, he was in charge on a lot of things. We hardly even talked...I don't know but silence between the talks was inevitable. Yeah, I didn't know what to feel. after an hour and a half, I told him that I'll be going home. He said goodbye, I waved goodbye to his mom.

I wanted to plaster my brain inside my head cause it kept on flying out of it's position. Yeah, what a day. He vanished into thin air, he was not the same person, he was not the same guy.. He had been giving me the cold shoulders even before his dad passed away, so that clearly meant it was not about the situation he was in right now. It was him towards me. The thing we had was gone. Yes, gone. I was out of his system. Now I'm going to try to remove him in mine.

I was in the backride of a tricycle when I saw a familiar face, you see, when I was in highschool, I was very fond of the gradeschool kids, I was always in their room on my free periods, I'd play with them or teach them homework. I saw one of those kids, and he gave me a very wide smile. It kinda made me lighten up a bit. He's name is Jethro he's an honor student in his class. Another kid was Lianne who hugs me really tight, and still even when I see her now, she still gives me that blasting smile of hers and hugs me like the old times.

Two days, this was just two days of my life and a lot has happened. Newton, you are the best.
"For every action, there is an equal and OPPOSITE reaction.."

..it happened again.
hiatus.

Labels: one day at a time

ang bilog, umiikot, yun at yon din. dba?

Monday, September 1, 2008

paulit ulit na yung nangyayare..
hindi lang saken kundi sayo rin, hindi lang saken sa kanya lalo,
lalo na ngayon..
ramdam ko yung pagod, yung sakit..
hindi lang naman ikaw yung dumaan jan..
galing din ako sa tinatahak mong daan ngayon..
nakakainis isipin na nung nasa ganyang sitwasyon ako, inuna ko yung mga bagay na akala kong mas importante saken,

yung pag-aaral, yung mga club, yung mga major exams, yung tropa ko, yung love life ko, yung lagay ko sa standings ng honor students..

hindi man lang ako nagbuhos ng kahit konting panahon para makapunta sa PGH..
gustong gusto niya kase akong makita, gustong gusto yakapin..

kahit saglit.. kahit sa huling sandali lang..

pakiramdam ko nga wala akong karapatang umiyak nung nakita ko siya sa loob nung higaan niya,
malamig, nakapikit, hindi ko na mayayakap, hindi ko na masasabi ko kung gano ko siya kamahal..
kung gaano ako nagsisisi na hindi ako naglaan ng kahit konting panahon para sa kanya..
alam ko pinatawad na niya ko, mahal ako nun eh, at alam din niya na mahal na mahal ko siya..
halos dalawang taon na yung nakalipas.. may bahid pa din ng sakit kung iispin ko.. pero hindi ko na kailangan malungkot
hindi ko na daw kailangang malungkot.. kase, nasa mabuting lagay daw siya..
alam niyo? mahal ko yon, mahal na mahal..

ikaw, mahirap yung pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, alam ko.. pero maswerte ka kase nasa tabi mo siya nung mga huling sandali niya sa mundo..
huwag kang manghinayang sa pagod na naranasan mo, ginawa mo yon dahil mahal mo siya, kailangan mo siya..
kahit na natapos yun ng ganun ganun na lang at least hindi mo ko kagaya, hindi ka nag-atubili na ilaan yung panahon mo sa kanya,
kahit na nag-aaral ka tapos nagtatrabaho ka pa..

gustong gusto kong sabihin sa'yo na andito lang ako..
pupunta kung sakaling gustuhin mo..
pupunta kung kailangan mo..

ilang beses na ring natugtog yung kanta dito sa kwarto ko..
yung kanta na makakapagsabe ng gusto kong sabihin sa'yo..
pagod ka na dba?

..pero hindi eh, duwag ako, takot ako..
takot sa kung anong pwede mong sabihin.. takot malaman kung ano nga ba ang lagay ko sa'yo..

kaya eto.. hanggang dito na lang ako, kakausapin yung computer ko..
pakikinggan yung kanta ng paulit-ulit..
paulit-ulit, hanggang sa masanay ako sa sakit na hatid nito..
paulit-ulit, hanggang sa dumikit na sa utak ko yung lyrics, yung tono..
paulit-ulit, para hanggang pagtulog ko..dala ko na din to..

sigurado naman ako hindi mo to mabababasa, kaya malakas yung loob ko i-type to dito..
:)

paulit-ulit yung kanta..

kaya mo yan, si spiderman ka di ba? :)

paulit..ulit..

"..hayaan na muna natin sila, mamaya hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan"

*walang kakwenta.kwentang post*

Labels: food for thoughts

oo. nabroken hearted din ako. :)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

"would you even care..?

I understand that u don't want to talk to me, but the thing is, "i don't understand WHY we DON'T need to do it". When we have SO MUCH to fix. Are you through with me..? D'you want to prove that you're not REGRETFUL of what you did? You told me that you wanted to protect our families' so called RELATIONSHIP? Is that true? You just ruined it. Do you think my mom and dad are happy seeing me CRY over and over again?

YOUR THROUGH WITH ME. FINE, i get your point. Then why did you even have to TELL me that you want us to be friends? When all you do is snob me whenever i try to talk to you, and one more thing, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE WITH YOUR FAMILY, TO BE WITH YOU, the pain is inevitable! I feel welcome when im with them, Your siblings are treating me like i'm one of them. I'm an only child, and you should understand na NAIINGGIT ako sa'yo. Kase you have THEM. When you left me you took away two things, my heart and some of the people who made me feel that i wasn't alone. Hindi mo alam kung gano kahirap yon! I loved them wholeheartedly. Ganon ka na ba KAMANHID..? I admit that i STILL love you. Pero, hinde ako TANGA para ipagpilitan pa sarili ko sa'yo.

Nung huli kitang makasama, that's the time i felt i was really uncared for. This drunk man, binastos na ko i was really scared. pero all you did was look at me. A pitiful kind of look. Kahit katiting na proteksyon or kahit tabihan mo lang ako so as to comfort me. Wala. Wala. Kahit konti. You just stared. Are you happy? Do you think i deserve what im getting now? Then to think that you parade your women in front of my house! Your so insensitive! Ako nga i'm trying my best not to show off my suitors pag pumupunta sila dito sa bahay. Pero ikaw? D'you really need to talk OUTSIDE of your house? Para makita ko kayo? GANON?

I don't understand you. A woman's instinct is 75% right. I can see solidarity in your eyes. Naiinis akong isipin na everything will just be wasted, nang dahil sa BRAINWASH ng mga kaibigan mo.HUWAG na tayong magpataasan ng pride. If you don't care no more, tell it straight to ME. You tell me you still love me. But, i don't really know what to think.

i doubt
if my dreams will still come true"

This err, blog entry was posted way back 2006. It made me laugh because of the "Taglish" language, it was very much Kris Aquino-like also I was a blooming teenager full of angst. Haha.
I couldn't imagine how much broken hearted I was back then, well, I'm no longer that person now..i guess. :P
and uhh,I had too much grammar errors in that post (ata?), I was not really capable to express an organized thought with that entry, the ideas kept on juggling and err, the fact that I AM broken hearted in that post of mine (which I would like to remind was posted WAAAAAY back 2006) makes it a bit hilarious for me. 2 years ago huh? Well, whoever that person is. I'm glad i'm no longer attached to him..or her? haha.

This post exists to remind myself that I am a human capable to love not only in the year 2006 but also in 2008 and the years to come, I'm in a bit of a struggle now.. I think I'm no longer capable of giving love(to a person in the opposite sex and is not a relative of mine).I have disregarded inanimate emotions for such a long time now and I will not be able to in the coming years if I won't put an end to this.

I find it weird to have this kind of personality problem. I do hope I'm not the only one who's like this

Labels: food for thoughts

blogskins

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

well, i wanted to post something before I go to dreamland.
:)

See my blog background? No. Right, I know...you see, I was in staid search for a PERFECT blogskin that would fit my personality and the things I have on my mind now, but I can't seem to find what it is that I need.

Then I thought, "Why not make it a very plain and simple one? Of course the template is important because it makes it look good but still... isn't the content of the blog much more significant? Isn't the convenience in reading the posts much needed?"..so here it goes.

An almost blank template. Yes, it almost has no difference in the Customized templates the Blogger offers us and yes, it looks so plain right? It's like any color could be seen when I type in it (except for WHITE of course), well..that's ME. I could fit in any crowd. When white is stained, the stained part could be seen almost instantly, the clean part is no longer noticed... yes, my mistakes are much more evident than my good deeds whenever I'm at home.

Okay, I'm going to sleep now, this post is just an excuse because I'm too lazy to find or make my own template. Geez! haha. Kidding. :)

If you have some time, do watch this series of short movies, I find it very cute...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Goodnight. :D

Labels: food for thoughts

rainy mornings

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I woke up early this morning. Wednesdays, "no schedule on Wednesdays",I told myself. I was about to go back to sleep when I heard my phone alarmed, "7.00am Wake Up! Your brother needs to go to his doctor", I stood up, brushed my teeth and too a peak at my sleeping bro, he's only 2months old, my mum and dad both works abroad and yes, we are being taken care of our tita's and lola's.

I was soaking wet when i arrived home yesterday,now i have a runny nose and whooping coughs. So i can't bring my brother to the clinic ," 'cause he might catch some of my BACTERIA" , my lola clearly stated. I stayed in front of the computer, blog hopped, I first took a peak at my bestfriend's blog,nope..no updates yet. I was thinking of the reactions of her blockmates with regards to her newly ~~shaved~~ shaped *sneeze* eyebrows. Anyways, I looked at her Links and someone caught my interest, I went to his page and read some recent posts, His post Constants really, really caught my attention. It was like, "I know the struggles he's describing in his blog, i know it from somewhere..the things he is currently struggling with are like..MINE."

I feel like I am isolating myself from reality, because reality is HURTING me... I'm in current avoidance,I didn't want this, but i FELT like it's the right thing to do. I'm avoiding the things that might make me happy, make me feel more like MY PAST SELF..because my past self has weaknesses, has pains, has memories that are NOT worth remembering. I left people, deleted them from my phone book, no more jokes, no more smiles, I'm dong what I NEED to do because that is what i think is right. With that I didn't notice that i was CONSCIOUSLY removing them in my system, YES, CONSCIOUSLY, i know that I am avoiding them yet I did not do anything to save it. I can't understand anything anymore, it feels like I'm having an emotional breakdown or even a MENTAL breakdown..I don't know, but I lost the jolly side of me, I laugh and laugh..yet after the laughters i feel no subsequent happiness. I am oblivious. I've been hiding too much that I somehow forgot that I also need other people, the people who we're once a very BIG part of me.

..and everything ends to this, I tend to stay away from the people who HAD emotionally hurt me with our fights, our break up...because I don't want the SAME excruciating pain again. I need a cure with this disease I'm having because it's producing yet another quagmire in my mind...something I call the "What if's" and "Could have's".

Labels: food for thoughts