Vast Ingenuity :a collection of thoughts

ang bilog, umiikot, yun at yon din. dba?

Monday, September 1, 2008

paulit ulit na yung nangyayare..
hindi lang saken kundi sayo rin, hindi lang saken sa kanya lalo,
lalo na ngayon..
ramdam ko yung pagod, yung sakit..
hindi lang naman ikaw yung dumaan jan..
galing din ako sa tinatahak mong daan ngayon..
nakakainis isipin na nung nasa ganyang sitwasyon ako, inuna ko yung mga bagay na akala kong mas importante saken,

yung pag-aaral, yung mga club, yung mga major exams, yung tropa ko, yung love life ko, yung lagay ko sa standings ng honor students..

hindi man lang ako nagbuhos ng kahit konting panahon para makapunta sa PGH..
gustong gusto niya kase akong makita, gustong gusto yakapin..

kahit saglit.. kahit sa huling sandali lang..

pakiramdam ko nga wala akong karapatang umiyak nung nakita ko siya sa loob nung higaan niya,
malamig, nakapikit, hindi ko na mayayakap, hindi ko na masasabi ko kung gano ko siya kamahal..
kung gaano ako nagsisisi na hindi ako naglaan ng kahit konting panahon para sa kanya..
alam ko pinatawad na niya ko, mahal ako nun eh, at alam din niya na mahal na mahal ko siya..
halos dalawang taon na yung nakalipas.. may bahid pa din ng sakit kung iispin ko.. pero hindi ko na kailangan malungkot
hindi ko na daw kailangang malungkot.. kase, nasa mabuting lagay daw siya..
alam niyo? mahal ko yon, mahal na mahal..

ikaw, mahirap yung pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, alam ko.. pero maswerte ka kase nasa tabi mo siya nung mga huling sandali niya sa mundo..
huwag kang manghinayang sa pagod na naranasan mo, ginawa mo yon dahil mahal mo siya, kailangan mo siya..
kahit na natapos yun ng ganun ganun na lang at least hindi mo ko kagaya, hindi ka nag-atubili na ilaan yung panahon mo sa kanya,
kahit na nag-aaral ka tapos nagtatrabaho ka pa..

gustong gusto kong sabihin sa'yo na andito lang ako..
pupunta kung sakaling gustuhin mo..
pupunta kung kailangan mo..

ilang beses na ring natugtog yung kanta dito sa kwarto ko..
yung kanta na makakapagsabe ng gusto kong sabihin sa'yo..
pagod ka na dba?

..pero hindi eh, duwag ako, takot ako..
takot sa kung anong pwede mong sabihin.. takot malaman kung ano nga ba ang lagay ko sa'yo..

kaya eto.. hanggang dito na lang ako, kakausapin yung computer ko..
pakikinggan yung kanta ng paulit-ulit..
paulit-ulit, hanggang sa masanay ako sa sakit na hatid nito..
paulit-ulit, hanggang sa dumikit na sa utak ko yung lyrics, yung tono..
paulit-ulit, para hanggang pagtulog ko..dala ko na din to..

sigurado naman ako hindi mo to mabababasa, kaya malakas yung loob ko i-type to dito..
:)

paulit-ulit yung kanta..

kaya mo yan, si spiderman ka di ba? :)

paulit..ulit..

"..hayaan na muna natin sila, mamaya hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan"

*walang kakwenta.kwentang post*

Labels: food for thoughts

oo. nabroken hearted din ako. :)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

"would you even care..?

I understand that u don't want to talk to me, but the thing is, "i don't understand WHY we DON'T need to do it". When we have SO MUCH to fix. Are you through with me..? D'you want to prove that you're not REGRETFUL of what you did? You told me that you wanted to protect our families' so called RELATIONSHIP? Is that true? You just ruined it. Do you think my mom and dad are happy seeing me CRY over and over again?

YOUR THROUGH WITH ME. FINE, i get your point. Then why did you even have to TELL me that you want us to be friends? When all you do is snob me whenever i try to talk to you, and one more thing, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE WITH YOUR FAMILY, TO BE WITH YOU, the pain is inevitable! I feel welcome when im with them, Your siblings are treating me like i'm one of them. I'm an only child, and you should understand na NAIINGGIT ako sa'yo. Kase you have THEM. When you left me you took away two things, my heart and some of the people who made me feel that i wasn't alone. Hindi mo alam kung gano kahirap yon! I loved them wholeheartedly. Ganon ka na ba KAMANHID..? I admit that i STILL love you. Pero, hinde ako TANGA para ipagpilitan pa sarili ko sa'yo.

Nung huli kitang makasama, that's the time i felt i was really uncared for. This drunk man, binastos na ko i was really scared. pero all you did was look at me. A pitiful kind of look. Kahit katiting na proteksyon or kahit tabihan mo lang ako so as to comfort me. Wala. Wala. Kahit konti. You just stared. Are you happy? Do you think i deserve what im getting now? Then to think that you parade your women in front of my house! Your so insensitive! Ako nga i'm trying my best not to show off my suitors pag pumupunta sila dito sa bahay. Pero ikaw? D'you really need to talk OUTSIDE of your house? Para makita ko kayo? GANON?

I don't understand you. A woman's instinct is 75% right. I can see solidarity in your eyes. Naiinis akong isipin na everything will just be wasted, nang dahil sa BRAINWASH ng mga kaibigan mo.HUWAG na tayong magpataasan ng pride. If you don't care no more, tell it straight to ME. You tell me you still love me. But, i don't really know what to think.

i doubt
if my dreams will still come true"

This err, blog entry was posted way back 2006. It made me laugh because of the "Taglish" language, it was very much Kris Aquino-like also I was a blooming teenager full of angst. Haha.
I couldn't imagine how much broken hearted I was back then, well, I'm no longer that person now..i guess. :P
and uhh,I had too much grammar errors in that post (ata?), I was not really capable to express an organized thought with that entry, the ideas kept on juggling and err, the fact that I AM broken hearted in that post of mine (which I would like to remind was posted WAAAAAY back 2006) makes it a bit hilarious for me. 2 years ago huh? Well, whoever that person is. I'm glad i'm no longer attached to him..or her? haha.

This post exists to remind myself that I am a human capable to love not only in the year 2006 but also in 2008 and the years to come, I'm in a bit of a struggle now.. I think I'm no longer capable of giving love(to a person in the opposite sex and is not a relative of mine).I have disregarded inanimate emotions for such a long time now and I will not be able to in the coming years if I won't put an end to this.

I find it weird to have this kind of personality problem. I do hope I'm not the only one who's like this

Labels: food for thoughts

blogskins

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

well, i wanted to post something before I go to dreamland.
:)

See my blog background? No. Right, I know...you see, I was in staid search for a PERFECT blogskin that would fit my personality and the things I have on my mind now, but I can't seem to find what it is that I need.

Then I thought, "Why not make it a very plain and simple one? Of course the template is important because it makes it look good but still... isn't the content of the blog much more significant? Isn't the convenience in reading the posts much needed?"..so here it goes.

An almost blank template. Yes, it almost has no difference in the Customized templates the Blogger offers us and yes, it looks so plain right? It's like any color could be seen when I type in it (except for WHITE of course), well..that's ME. I could fit in any crowd. When white is stained, the stained part could be seen almost instantly, the clean part is no longer noticed... yes, my mistakes are much more evident than my good deeds whenever I'm at home.

Okay, I'm going to sleep now, this post is just an excuse because I'm too lazy to find or make my own template. Geez! haha. Kidding. :)

If you have some time, do watch this series of short movies, I find it very cute...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Goodnight. :D

Labels: food for thoughts

rainy mornings

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I woke up early this morning. Wednesdays, "no schedule on Wednesdays",I told myself. I was about to go back to sleep when I heard my phone alarmed, "7.00am Wake Up! Your brother needs to go to his doctor", I stood up, brushed my teeth and too a peak at my sleeping bro, he's only 2months old, my mum and dad both works abroad and yes, we are being taken care of our tita's and lola's.

I was soaking wet when i arrived home yesterday,now i have a runny nose and whooping coughs. So i can't bring my brother to the clinic ," 'cause he might catch some of my BACTERIA" , my lola clearly stated. I stayed in front of the computer, blog hopped, I first took a peak at my bestfriend's blog,nope..no updates yet. I was thinking of the reactions of her blockmates with regards to her newly ~~shaved~~ shaped *sneeze* eyebrows. Anyways, I looked at her Links and someone caught my interest, I went to his page and read some recent posts, His post Constants really, really caught my attention. It was like, "I know the struggles he's describing in his blog, i know it from somewhere..the things he is currently struggling with are like..MINE."

I feel like I am isolating myself from reality, because reality is HURTING me... I'm in current avoidance,I didn't want this, but i FELT like it's the right thing to do. I'm avoiding the things that might make me happy, make me feel more like MY PAST SELF..because my past self has weaknesses, has pains, has memories that are NOT worth remembering. I left people, deleted them from my phone book, no more jokes, no more smiles, I'm dong what I NEED to do because that is what i think is right. With that I didn't notice that i was CONSCIOUSLY removing them in my system, YES, CONSCIOUSLY, i know that I am avoiding them yet I did not do anything to save it. I can't understand anything anymore, it feels like I'm having an emotional breakdown or even a MENTAL breakdown..I don't know, but I lost the jolly side of me, I laugh and laugh..yet after the laughters i feel no subsequent happiness. I am oblivious. I've been hiding too much that I somehow forgot that I also need other people, the people who we're once a very BIG part of me.

..and everything ends to this, I tend to stay away from the people who HAD emotionally hurt me with our fights, our break up...because I don't want the SAME excruciating pain again. I need a cure with this disease I'm having because it's producing yet another quagmire in my mind...something I call the "What if's" and "Could have's".

Labels: food for thoughts